My beloved bicycle has developed a problem.  The rear brake caliper is seized. Which means the brakes are on all the time.

I rode 100 km (60 miles) over the course of 2 days before I realized what was happening.  All I knew was that I was working REALLY HARD and still struggling to keep up with Rob.  Normally, I float along in the draft behind him, and all is right with the world. 

However, on those 2 rides, I began to wonder if there was something wrong with my health.  Why did I have to work so hard to keep up?  I felt like I was going uphill…all the time!  It was terrible.

The drag I experienced riding my bicycle was actually painful. Demoralizing. I began to think that if that was how hard I had to work to get anywhere, I might as well give up bicycling.

Drag on my bicycle made for a difficult, unpleasant ride.

As a metaphor for life, drag on a bicycle is like anger, bitterness, resentment or unforgiveness.  I have spent time being angry, bitter, resentful and full of unforgiveness.  That is also a difficult, unpleasant ride.

The Emotional Drag of Unforgiveness

Growing up, my mother’s purpose in life (it seemed to me anyway) was to discourage me from being successful, sabotage any attempt I made to be successful, or to downplay my accomplishments when I was successful. Leaving me to be angry, bitter, resentful and full of unforgiveness.

When I was in my 40’s, I discovered that my mother had a personality disorder which caused her to relate to me in a dysfunctional way.

I learned that forgiveness is not for the offender, it is for me. The person I forgive doesn’t need to know anything about it.  I need to forgive them for me, so that I don’t have drag in my life.

We can even forgive someone who is no longer alive. Forgiveness is for you.

Forgiving someone who wronged me doesn’t mean what they did was ok. Because it wasn’t. But carrying around anger and unforgiveness every day is like riding my bicycle with the brakes on. It isn’t nice.

The Bible says in Philippians to forget the past and what lies behind and to press on to what is ahead.

Forget the past and what lies behind.

Easier said than done, right?

I also learned that unforgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. I have been able to forgive my mother for how she treated me.

Forgiving her does not mean I need to stay in relationship with her, also known as being reconciled. She is not emotionally safe for me. She made it clear that she doesn’t want to be in relationship with me unless she can continue to be abusive and get by with it.

That is not going to happen. I have enough self-respect to not allow myself to be mistreated.  I want to learn, grow and become. I do not want to be stuck in the quagmire of her dysfunction.

I don’t understand my mother. I don’t understand her need to discourage, sabotage and belittle me. Her own child. But that is how it is.

I am grateful for the work I have done to forgive her.  I know I have forgiven her because when I think about her, I don’t get angry anymore.

I have forgiven my mother.

My brakes are fixed.

The wheels of my bicycle and my soul are spinning freely.