Mother’s Day is approaching. Historically, I have dreaded Mother’s Day.
When I was growing up, I remember ads on TV which talked about how wonderful mother was, and all the things available for purchase to communicate that sentiment to one’s beloved mother. My mother was not wonderful. In fact, she was abusive.
As an adult, having a lifetime of experience with an awful mother, I resented Mother’s Day. How could I give a gift to my mother, expressing gratitude for everything she did for me, when I dreaded even being with her? That felt so fake and …. Dishonest. I would just buy a generic “Happy Mother’s Day” card and a gift I thought she would appreciate. Even though it felt fake and dishonest.
I was in my 40’s before I realized that my mother actually had a personality disorder, and that her behaviour toward me really was abusive. I began to despise Mother’s Day.
I was angry that my own mother really didn’t love me and didn’t want me to be successful.
Change in the Status Quo
One year, just before Christmas, my sister ignited a family blow up.
I was past done with all of the family toxicity. After some strained conversation with my father and a meeting with a counsellor of his choice, ultimately the decision was made for my family and me to cease contact with each other.
Having no contact with my abusive mother these past 8 years has been pure bliss. Yet still on Mother’s Day, I remember what she was not. She was not wonderful. She was not helpful. She was not loving. She did not encourage or support any of my endeavours. On the contrary, she sabotaged any of my efforts. She downplayed or insulted my accomplishments or successes that I achieved in spite of her efforts to destroy them.
Not a good headspace to be in every spring. Even as I write this article, an email has flashed up on my screen about Mother’s Day gifts. I notice that my initial response is negative and snarky – Must be nice to have a wonderful mother. I wonder what that’s like?
Co-existing in Harmony
I need to choose to be intentional about my attitude surrounding Mother’s Day. I don’t want my emotions to be hijacked for a few weeks every spring while Mother’s Day advertisements flood the atmosphere.
I am a mother. I have 3 children and I have been intentional about being the kind of mother I wish I had. I am interested in who my kids are. How can I help them be their best self? How can I teach them to be self-sufficient? How can I support them when the going gets tough, as it invariably does in this life?
I was a widowed single parent for 15 years. In fact, I was 7 months pregnant when my husband died in a car accident, so my youngest child never even met his father. Our family was not like other families. I didn’t have a spousal relationship, so it was just the kids and me. We felt like a team. We had a round table approach to life, discussing issues and how to deal with them together.
This Mother’s Day, I choose to be intentional about remembering the great times I had with the kids.
They are all adults now. When they were young, I loved taking them to the Lego Barn on spring break. They would build cars and race them on the ramp for hours. We would be there all day and then go out for pizza after.
We all did martial arts, and we all became black belts, which was a totally amazing bonding experience.
I taught them all to cook, clean, cut grass, ride bikes, drive, run a snowblower, buy groceries and budget their money. They all have post-secondary education and are all gainfully employed in the field of their choice. They are all making their own way in the world and living on their own.
I treasure the time I spend with each of them. They have become such amazing, interesting people and I am proud of all of them.
This Mother’s Day, instead of remembering toxic dysfunction and what I didn’t have, I choose to be grateful for my children and the opportunity to help them become all they can be.
