It was the summer of 2012. Ten years a widow at that point. The kids were 15,12 and 10.
I became a blackbelt in 2009. In 2011, I quit my job and started my own bookkeeping business. Things were great! Except I was so angry I wanted to jump out of my own skin.
Something had to give.
But what? What was the problem?
The problem was my mother. I was doing well, and she didn’t like that. She was mean, snarly, and spoke to me in a derogatory, disrespectful and even abusive manner. And I was tired of it.
I had long suspected that my mother was jealous of me, but that thought seemed so utterly ridiculous that I dismissed it from my mind and wouldn’t even admit to myself that I had thought such a thing.
Until that day. As I sat in my office doing work for my customers, feeling thrilled on one hand that I had successfully started a business and acquired paying customers and was doing meaningful work. And on the other hand, I was so angry and frustrated that I could barely contain myself. It was a volatile cocktail of emotions.
Enlightenment
Something had to give. I could not go on that way any longer. So, I googled…. mothers who are jealous of their daughters. I almost cringed when I hit enter.
I sat wide-eyed looking at my computer screen. There was a vast number of websites with information on the subject. My eyes locked on willieverbegoodenough.com. The website of Dr. Karyl McBride who had authored a book called “Will I ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers”
I read some of her website, which described my situation perfectly, and I purchased her book right then and there.
The book arrived, and I read it. Shock, awe and relief were some of the emotions I felt as I read through Dr. McBride’s book. Her mother was a narcissist as well, so she understood from personal as well as professional, clinical experience what life is like when the person who is supposed to love and support you the most is actually abusive. That book was incredibly validating.
I knew in my heart that my mother was wrong to treat me the way she did. I eventually decided that she must also know it was wrong, because she wasn’t mean to me in front of anyone. I rarely had a witness. So, I second guessed everything. Maybe I imagined it. Maybe she didn’t really say that. And when I approached our next interaction with an extreme amount of caution, she was kind and wonderful so I figured I must have imagined it or made a big deal out of nothing.
She had to know it was wrong, or else she would just spew stupid any time, any place. But she didn’t. She saved it for when no-one else could hear, and I was left to battle it out in my own mind.
Whose mother doesn’t want her daughter to succeed? Whose mother sabotages her daughter’s success, and belittles her when she succeeds anyway? Who does that?!
It turns out, lots of mothers. Personality disorder is a thing, and the effects are real.
Having my feelings and suspicions validated in Dr. McBride’s book changed my life.
A New Dynamic
Thanksgiving was coming up in a few months, and I told my sister that I would not be hosting any more family dinners.
My sister stepped up and began hosting the family dinners.
My mother was also horrible to my father. Since my kids didn’t have a father or a parental/spousal relationship to observe, I did not want their limited experience to be observing the toxic, passive-aggressive, blaming and gaslighting relationship my parents had.
We arrived last to Thanksgiving dinner. After dinner I cleaned up, and I took my kids home in an effort to limit contact and the time spent with my toxic parents. My mother was never alone with me, so her targeting of me stopped.
I became angry that I had grown up in such a toxic place and had tolerated so much abuse. I wondered what kind of life I would have had if I had support and encouragement to try things and be successful.
I would never know. This was how it was, so all I could do was not allow that cycle to continue. And to really learn that what happened to me was not my fault. That I had worth and value as a person. I had lots to offer, and that it was possible to go on to have an awesome life despite how my life began.
I took great comfort in “based on a true story” movies and books about people who overcame seemingly insurmountable odds to go on and have a great life.
I was going to be one of those people. It doesn’t matter how you start. It matters how you finish, as they say.
I have not had contact with my mother in 9 blissful years. I find myself reading about narcissism from time to time, just to remind myself that it is real. I did not make up or sensationalize what happened to me.
In those moments, I am even more grateful for the wonderful life I have. Grateful that I learned how to value myself and shut down the “you can’t do that” voice of my mother.
Sometimes that voice still speaks. But I have learned to say, “thank you for sharing” and then go on and prove it wrong.
